Monthly Archives: December 2008

New Year’s Eve

The last 11 days have been the worst of my life.  It’s New Year’s Eve and as everyone is celebrating the end of the year and making resolutions, I’m trying to figure out how to begin the year without my baby here.  A few weeks ago when I was thinking about how we’d spend tonight, this is not what I had in mind.  I thought we’d have a nice family night at home with the three of us.

I just miss Alexander so much.

Day 11

Every day without Alexander is torture for me.  I miss him more and more each day as I remember more memories of the fun and happy times we had together.

Dan has been very patient with me and willing to listen whenever I need/want to talk about how Alexander and how I’m feeling.  It’s going to be hard when he goes back to work and I’m alone all day.

Nightmares and Dreams

I awoke early this morning from the most horrible nightmare.  I dreamed that we had another child and I caused his death because of my overprotectiveness.  In my dream I was so afraid of what happened to Alexander happening to another child that I tried to keep him safe from everything and only ended up causing harm.  Everyone was accusing me of being an awful mother and said that I didn’t deserve to have a child.  I couldn’t get the images out of my head all morning.

I know I was a good mother to Alexander but I can’t help feeling what if I had done just one thing differently.

I’m still waiting to wake up from this horrible dream that has become my life.

What do we do now

Our life has been in a fog the past week.  The plans we made have all been changed.  Dan generally takes off the week between Christmas and New Year’s to participate in the Patriots Week events here in Trenton.  He was planning to take Alexander to some of the puppet shows this week and we were really looking forward to taking him to the battles.  We just know he would have tried to give one of the Hessians a hug.

As we each deal with our grief, we’re trying to comfort each other as best we can.  We talk about Alexander often.  Some days we can make it through a conversation without breaking down.  More often than not, one of us (usually me), will sob uncontrollably.

Both of us love and miss him so much.  I’ve always had a need to express my feelings through writing so I hope by writing a litte every day, my pain will ease just a little.  I don’t know how to get past the grief and sense of immense loss I feel.

Our family and friends have shown us a tremendous amount of support over the past 9 days. 

What do I do now?  How do I go on without my sweet little boy?

Second Worst Day

The second worst day in my life was Tuesday, December 23, 2008.  This was the day we buried Alexander.    The service went as well as these types of services can go.  Using pictures and songs we chose, our friends Susan and Chris, put together two wonderful videos for us. 

Here is a link to the shorter of the two slideshows:  http://www.totsites.com/tot/dodsonemerson/movies/29247

Here is a link to the longer of the two slideshows:
http://www.totsites.com/tot/dodsonemerson/movies/29452

Have tissue ready when you view the shorter slideshow.

I went through the day in a daze.  There were so many people at the service.  We were overwhelmed by all the support we received.  Alexander touched a lot of people.

After the cemetery, many of the people came back to our house.  Again, we had the support of family and friends who took care of things.  They made sure everyone was taken care of who came to the house to pay their respects.  At some point during the afternoon, it all became too much for me, and I had to sneak away.  I went downstairs and watched an episode of Wow Wow Wubbzy (Alexander’s favorite show).  I did eventually join everyone upstairs but not before I had a good cry.

The Day My World Changed

Saturday, December 20 , 2008, is the day my world changed forever.

The day before was like any typical Friday.  Alexander feasted on his morning waffle while I prepared to make sugar cookies for our playdate that afternoon.  It was raining pretty hard by I thought I’d make the cookies anyway just in case.  Alexander quickly finished his waffle and wanted to help with the cookies.  So, I lifted him up on the counter so he could help press the cookie cutters into the dough.  Once we’d made our cookies, we played a while and I gave him lunch before putting him down for his nap.

I was late with getting Christmas cards out this year so I busied myself with that while Alexander napped.  Dad (my husband Dan) happened to be home that day so I asked him to watch Alexander for a while when he woke from his nap so I could finish the Christmas cards.   

Our friends, Phoebe and Burgess came over for a playdate and we decorated sugar cookies.  The kids had a wonderful time and Dan helped, too.

It was a great day. 

Later, Dan took him up for his usual bedtime routine of bath, brushing teeth, and bedtime reading and like most nights, Alexander protested when it was time for bed.  After a while, I went in to sit with him.  He just wanted to be held so I picked him up and rocked him for a while.  It was nice to have him curled in my arms and listen to his soft breaths as he went to sleep.  I gently laid him in his crib and walked out of his room. 

I came back a while later to get something and he peeked up at me.  I thought if he cries, then I’ll take him upstairs to sleep with us.  Otherwise, he’ll fall back to sleep and I’ll see him in the morning.  Little did I know that would be the last time I would see my precious child move.

When Dan and I went to bed for the evening,  I reminded him that I had to leave early in the morning for a volunteer gig and he would need to watch Alexander until I got home.  I also told him to keep an eye on Alexander because he looked like he might be coming down with a cold and we’d have to start using the nebulizer if he started coughing.

Fast forward to 11am December 20.

Dan called to say that he had to take Alexander to the ER and that I should get to the hospital right away.  I knew it was bad because Dan wouldn’t take Alexander to the hospital unless it was serious.  I quickly grabbed my stuff and on the way out the door told someone where I was headed.

As I raced to the hospital, I kept trying to call Dan to get more answers.  You don’t call a mother and say her child is in ER and not tell her why.  I was imagining all sorts of things but not the ultimate.

As soon as I saw Dan, I knew.  I couldn’t believe my baby was gone.  What happened?  He was fine the night before.  How could this be happening to us?  It took Dan and the nurses quite some time to calm me down before I was able to go see Alexander and still I couldn’t believe what was in front of me.  Here was my beautiful child covered in a blanket and dressed in a hospital gown lying perfectly still.

I held onto my baby and cried for the longest time before Dan and I began to make phone calls.  My life had completely fallen apart and I didn’t know where to begin to pick up the pieces.

 

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