Monthly Archives: June 2009

6 months

Today makes it 6 months since Alexander’s passing.

Yesterday, Dan and I went to hit some tennis balls.  I soon became distracted by the sounds of the nearby families laughing and enjoying themselves.  Having the fun vacation we should also be having with Alexander.  I got upset and we had to leave.  I cried for a while after we got back to our room.

Some days I become so overwhelmed with feelings of missing Alexander that all I can do is cry.

We head home tomorrow morning.  I definitely want to make sure I visit Alexander’s site when we get home.

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I wish people wouldn’t ask…

…if we’re going to have other child.  When people ask, it’s like a knife through my heart.  Like if we quickly have another child, it will erase the pain I’m feeling now.  Some people do preface the question with, ‘I know you can’t replace Alexander but…’

I know people mean well but whether or not we have other children is intensely personal and a decision we won’t make lightly.  It’s also probably not a decision we’ll share with with others.

Losing Alexander is the worst thing I’ve ever had to face in life.  He will always be my first born and have a very special place in my heart.

Back in therapy

It’s been a busy week.

Our 10 year wedding anniversary was on June 7.  For the prior 9 years, Dan and I had marked our anniversary by going to an “M” city/town.  After we celebrated number 9, I told Dan and I wanted to have a party as we entered the double digits.  This year, I just couldn’t.  Despite our ongoing sadness, I wanted to do something. We invited a few friends over and Dan grilled a stuffed (I made the stuffing) whole red snapper.  We’ll have it again sometime soon.

A few days, I officially became President of our local Junior League. In addition to planning the league’s annual dinner where I’d receive my gavel, I also had to give a speech.  I practiced the speech several and even once in front of Dan.  I didn’t shed a tear.  When I gave the same remarks in front of the members attending annual dinner, I broke down when I mentioned Alexander’s name.  I got through it by stopping for a few seconds before going on with the rest of my remarks.  Maybe someday, I’ll get to the point where I can talk about him in public without crying so much.  The loss of my child is a part of who I am now and I feel the need to share his story I can.

I’ve had a swirl of emotions going on the last couple of weeks and decided to go back into therapy.  I’m not sure I’ll start going weekly again but I still have a lot of things I need to discuss related to Alexander’s loss.  Having an onjective person listen to me is very helpful.

We arrived yesterday for a week’s long vacation with Dan’s family.  When we all originally planned this vacation, Dan and I thought it would be great time for Alexander to spend time with his cousins.  He really only saw them at Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday get togethers so we thought this would be a nice way for him to have some bonding time with them. Without Alexander here with us, this is a bittersweet vacation for me.

Where is the hope?

Each time I come up the stairs from the 1st floor to the 2nd floor, I’m greeted by Alexander’s sweet little face.  In his bedroom, there is a large framed photo which peers out at me.  The photo was taken during Christmas 2007 when we were visting Dan’s family.  Whenever I look at the photo, I see such hope in Alexander’s face.  His eyes expecting something wonderful to come.  How do I reconcile my current life with what I see in that photo when I feel so hopeless?

I saw 4 ambulances when I was out running errands today.  Three of the four had flashing lights with no sirens.  All I could think was someone else is gone and another family is about to go through the misery that I’ve lived with the past 5 1/2 months.

Dan and I met friends out for dinner and drinks last night.  Once again, I found myself telling someone else that Alexander passed in December.  When I say the words “passed in December”, it seems like it was long ago but my grieving heart doesn’t know anything about the passage of time.

I miss Alexander more each day.

Feeling blah

I’ve been feeling blah all week.  I just can’t seem to get motivated to do much and I have a lot I need to get done.  Next week is a busy one for and includes giving a speech at a dinner.  I’ve started writing it but can’t seem to finish.  

I’m not visiting Alexander’s grave site every day anymore.  I’m still there most days but am trying to spend a day or two each week visiting the tot lot named for him.  It’s good for me to go and remember the time we played together in the tot lot.  I can still remember his running up the ramp to get on the slide.  Once he mastered sliding, he just loved doing it.  Whenever we went someplace that had a slide, he had to get on it.

I have a meeting next week to discuss distributing the first scholarship from the Alexander Michael Dodson Memorial Scholarship Fund.  It’s great that we’ll help carry on his memory through the fund but I’d rather have my sweet little boy here with me. 

I’m still having such a hard time.  I miss Alexander so much and just want to hold him again.

Hypersensitive

I’m feeling hypsensitive these days.  I was working in my office and tried to print something.  This is a document that’s been on my computer for years and all I ever do is change the shipping address.  For some reason, the document wouldn’t print properly.  I got so upset about the misprint that I started to cry and couldn’t stop for several minutes.  I really just needed to feel like I could count on something to go right for me today.

Dan and I finally completed the SUDC Family Survey over the weekend and I put it in the mail today.  We finished the consent forms in April to allow the researchers to request Alexander’s medical information and it’s taken us this long to complete the survey.  The survey wasn’t hard.  It was just long and not something that could be completed in one sitting because of all the memories it brought up for both of us.