May 3, 2007 – December 20, 2008 = 19 months and 17 days.
This past Saturday, August 7, 2010, marked 19 months and 18 days since Alexander left us. He’s now been gone longer than he was with us. I had been dreading the day for months. When the actual day happened, it wasn’t as hard as I imagined. I found it didn’t matter how long Alexander was gone. The fact is he is gone and I’ll never again have the wonderful gift of a hug or a kiss from him.
As a grieving parent, you try not to think of these “anniversaries” but sometimes you can’t help it. They just creep into your mind.
I should be running after a 3 year old these days but instead I’m left to grieve the loss of my child. I miss Alexander so much.
Plans for Alexander’s Run are shaping up. We’ve got a great group of people helping us organize the run. It should be a wonderful day to raise money for SUDC research and Alexander’s scholarship fun while remembering Alexander and all the other children who have lost their lives to SUDC.
Before I got pregnant, what became Alexander’s room started out as my office. There are two closets in his room so I left a lot of my work stuff in there and shared the space with Alexander. I have a laptop so I was able to have a roving office in our house.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided to move my stuff from Alexander’s closet to the guest room. I just couldn’t bear to continue to go into his empty room everyday when I needed to get something. Now, when I go into his room, it’s to reflect on all the wonderful memories I have of Alexander.
Instead of my work stuff, Alexander’s closet is now full of photos and albums. I think of it now as my memory closet.
Moving things from one room to another was a big step for me. It’s the first real change I’ve made to Alexander’s room. Everything else remains the same. The crib is still there as well as all his clothes and toys. I still haven’t been able to wash the basket of laundry but there is no hurry. I just have to continue to do things when it’s right for me.
I miss my little guy so much.
A few days ago I had to go to the hospital for some testing. The doctor I was seeing only performs the test one day a week at the hospital where Alexander passed. I had the option of seeing the other doctor in the practice and going to the other local hospital but really wanted this doctor to do my tests.
The tests went easily but it was hard for me to be in the hospital. It was the first time I had been in the building since Alexander passed. I was quietly sobbing and finally the doctor asked what was wrong. I told him and he said he thought I looked a little sad when I came in the room. He tried to be comforting but there was really nothing he could do. This was just another first in the long list of firsts I’ve had to endure the 19 months.
On Friday, Dan and I had the opportunity to see the final show of the Stuart Country Day School Summer Stars program. Alexander’s scholarship fund helped 9 students attend the camp this year. When we first arrived, we took a quick tour of the children’s art and then we went to find my contact at the school. As soon as she said “thank you”, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I thought I was going to lose it.
Dan described the experience as bittersweet and I think that’s the right word for me, too. The show itself was good and it was nice to see and hear what the kids had been doing during the camp. At the same time, it was sad to be there.
I still have bouts of crying every so often when I think about how much I miss Alexander. I’m not sure that will ever change so I’m learning to cope with it as part of my new normal.